POSTED: Thu, 02/23/2012 - 5:44am

My story

Hello, My name is Vivien and I'm 19 years old. English is not my mother tongue language, so sorry for my many mistakes. I found this community yesterday and spent all the night reading through your stories which inspired me and made me want to join you. I don't know why exactly, maybe because I'm embarrassed or ashamed of myself, but I don't talk about weight issues with my friends or family, it's like a taboo, or maybe I just lie to myself and believe that if I don't say it out loud, then the problem doesn't exist. So I need some support, as I feel like a lonely warrior in a battlefield.. I was a normal teenager girl, ate what I want, and weighed normal 55 kilos(my height is 170cm), but suddenly I decided that I needed to lose weight, at least 5 kilos, because I wanted to look like all those beautiful women from shiny magazines and fashionTV. And I guess that's when it all started. I picked some harsh and restrained diet, didn't let myself eat all the food I previously loved(sweet stuff,bread,potatoes), sometimes I would have detox days when I'd eat three apples a day, or even better, I'd eat nothing at all, just water. I lied to my mother that I didn't want to eat the supper as I had already eaten in a cafe, although the truth was I hadn't put anything in my mouth for 24 hours. On Saturdays, I would let myself have a treat, maybe a piece of cake, and then I could't restrain myself and would have a second one, and the third until all the cake was gone... Then I would open a refrigerator and eat everything I could just to satisfy my psychological hunger. It would last for a whole weekend, and then on Monday I would go back on track with no eating and thought that this way I would compensate for my weekend sins. I felt terribly really, I despised myself but continued it. And the results were showing. I weighed 51kilos, but wasn't really happy because my menstruations have been gone for maybe 9 months. I finally summoned the courage to tell my mother, then of course there were doctors, clinics but now I'm okay, though my menstrual cycle is very irregular. Then maybe I admitted I was too hard to myself and I let everything loose. Everyday I overeated and was very happy because I thought that now that had reached my desired weight, I don't have to try anymore. But not surprisingly my clothes became very tight, my mother very frankly told me that I look terribly and resemble a pregnant woman, and the scales showed the number I couldn't imagine: 70 kilos. It was a very dark time, because I seriously hated myself, I didn't go out as I didn't have any clothes that would look beautiful on me, I thought that everyone was talking about my terrible looks behind my back. Many times I tried to control my intake of food, but to no success. I felt unhappy and the only solution for me seemed to eat a huge amount of chocolate. Then I read FWDGF. I loved it so much, as I could relate with Mireille's experience, I thought that I read about myself, all that self-pity, fear of others and so on. I embraced new principles of eating, and I had the most wonderful month when I would savour every bite, make delicious soups and on Saturdays buy Lindt chocolate and eat only two squares which were divine. Everything was perfect, my clothes became loose, to make the change even more noticeable, I dyed my hair, and received many compliments and remarks that people couldn't recognize me. Then the Christmas came and the feast began, once again I let myself loose and ate everything I wanted because I thought I deserved it. I planned that from January 2012 I will get back on track but I didn't and the feast continued for the whole January and February until now.. Many kilos returned as well as a rounded face and a hatred for myself. I wanted quick results and thought that if I did not eat for several days then the harm would be diminished. But I would only manage to restrict myself for half a day and then once again I would overeat.. But now I see that these quick diets don't work to me and I finally opened my eyes and saw that the French way is the only true way. So from today, I once more begin my recasting (I skip the leek part as I am afraid to slip again), promise not to deprive myself too much and hope that this experience will change me, not only physically, but mentally, too.