WELL-BEING

carmel

POSTED: Sat, 04/10/2010 - 9:05pm

Men (rather, one particular man) -- help

Hi ladies, I have no idea where to post this. I am a long time reader but haven't yet contributed. But now I need your fabulous french advice. I am usually so good with men -- I am very good at flirting, playing the whole "game" -- it's never even been a game, really, always natural, always been fun -- t's never mattered. Until I met someone who has completely blown me away. I know it's cliche but I literally cannot eat, cannot sleep, cannot focus. I have no idea what to do. He is older (16 years -- I am 29) -- he has done things I cannot even imagine. I literally have never met anyone like him, and I've lived in 3 countries. He said we shouldn't get involved because he is too old and serious and I shouldn't deal with the things he's gone through. But I cannot think of anything else. I know he is attracted to me but he is so determined he is not good for me. But I think I could be good for him. None of my usual anything applies -- I have no idea what to do. How do I get him? I know maybe I shouldn't even try but I never have wanted anyone like this and I want to explore that, whatever the consequences. He is very high profile and so I can't say much more except I can tell you we kissed, and it was fantastic, and he told me he was interested but it was for my own good (yes, I know -- my sister says to listen, but I want to live my life and experience things, whatever the consequences) and he hasn't called in 2 days (I know that's normal but this is so extreme, to me anyway, that I cannot be objective). Please help. You can kick me but I probably won't feel it. I am very emotionally driven and if something makes me feel like this I have to experience it. I'm not smart when it comes to love but I'd rather feel things and get hurt than protect myself into an emotional black hole. I've never had to play a game before because it's always been a natural game, if that makes any sense, so I have no idea how to not just throw myself at him, which I know is bad. Help.
REPLIES 26  (Jump to bottom of page)

Viva la Diva

POSTED: Tue, 04/20/2010 - 8:00am

Forgive me,

But I did not read in there once that he makes you happy. I agree with everyone else, there are a lot of red flags. From my experience, it is best to make a pros and cons list about the situation as well as focus on what you are truly looking for in a relationship. Anyone can have a fling, but true friendship and romance are so much better. Listen to your heart and go with your gut. Also listen to him, men usually are pretty straightforward and spot on when it comes to these things. Be well, Viva

carmel

POSTED: Wed, 04/14/2010 - 9:29pm

Everyone, thank you so much

Everyone, thank you so much for your advice and insights. I usually have at least some poise and this has left me completely upside down. I am seeing him tomorrow, but just for lunch, so it is safe. Well, safer than drinks or dinner, at least. Even that has me completely nervous -- and I have a public job in politics and constantly have to go to receptions, dinners, give speeches and never get nervous doing any of it -- I feel like I'm 13 years old again. I have spent an hour thinking about what to wear! I really want to know him, however that is. Maybe just friends until I get a handle on him and what is happening. I have undertaken any number of otherwise ill-advisable relationships for the "experience" -- of dating this type of person, or that, but my heart was never at risk like here, and I always thought it was worth the potential downside, because the downside wasn't that bad. This is completely new -- exciting and terrifying both.

snorklee

POSTED: Thu, 04/15/2010 - 6:48am

Something else to think about...

if you work in politics you have to be extra careful about your reputation. One scandal could ruin your career. Is this worth losing what you've worked so hard for?

Marilyn

POSTED: Thu, 04/15/2010 - 10:23am

Totally agree

Is this one man worth the rest of your life?

JSB

POSTED: Thu, 04/15/2010 - 5:58pm

Marilyn and Deb

Very,very,very good points.

jas

POSTED: Mon, 04/12/2010 - 6:59pm

Adding my 5cents

I have done similar things with men...I sure know what it is to not be able to focus, think constantly of him, not be sleeping because I'm fantasizing. It is a high but it is hell too. For me, honestly it took getting hurt (frequently and often) and hey there is a new man I'm just beginning to get to know, and it could happen again. My feet are more on the ground though. Sometimes Carmel you do just have to have the experience, sometimes you do just have to get hurt. So I guess I would say you are ok just as you are. This is what it is. Breathe, honor your feelings, know the words the other wonderful women say are true, and also know when the emotions and fantasies get stirred up well maybe we just aren't in control any more and we have to accept all of ourselves, and all of what is driving us. And know there will be women there to pick us up when we fall. I'll help pick you up. There will be no "I told you so" it is what it is, just be as compassionate with yourself as you can be. Do what you need to do. Jas

jas

POSTED: Mon, 04/12/2010 - 7:54pm

then you can always

listen to Martina McBride's new song, "Wrong baby wrong" so if it goes bad, that's a great song. All about women and making mistakes...cry if you want to, that's what we all do, but if you think you'll never move on, your wrong baby wrong...Hey it works for me. Love Jas

JSB

POSTED: Mon, 04/12/2010 - 12:25pm

Welcome Carmel

I am glad you posted.I can only say...run far and fast.Sorry but there are way too many red flags on this one.I know what it is like to feel how you feel,thrilled,confused,madly attracted and heading for pain.Take care.Jean

sammijean06

POSTED: Sun, 04/11/2010 - 7:17pm

complicated...

Yeah - that's a complicated situation. Mainly due to the fact that you still want that person. That's probably not going to change, but you also have to take his feelings into consideration. If he feels that he can't go through the relationships again, then so be it. It doesn't mean you have to give up your infatuation with him. I think a lot of people have infatuations with certain individuals (unless that's just me, and I'm weird, than nevermind). I know I do! He's quite a bit older than me, and an officer. I resorted to calling him "Captain McDreamy" because there's no way I could ever be with him/let anyone know how I feel about him - but he's one of the most generous people ever...and he's so unbelievably attractive. Italian. Yum. He doesn't know how I feel, although we took considerable time discussing the word "pulchritudinous" and why I feel it necessary to call him that. (The word means : very attractive/gorgeous) Although, I'm pretty sure he thought I was kidding the entire time. I learned when I first met him that we could never be together, it was inappropriate/unprofessional, but that still didn't mean I didn't think about it constantly...and that when he walks into a room I'm in, everything becomes silent and still. (Probably not the best thing to be talking about while I currently have a boyfriend - but surprisingly my currently boyfriend understands - since he knew about Captain McDreamy before we became a couple). I just learned my boundaries and stayed within them - trying not to cross the lines.

It's difficult and it sucks - but, it something you have to deal with.

snorklee

POSTED: Sun, 04/11/2010 - 12:08am

Red flags...

Hi Carmel,

I tend to agree with Cecily. And something else struck me as a red flag, too... He's high profile, he's kissed you, he says he's interested, and yet he says you shouldn't get involved. To me that's a tease, or a come on, or at the very least, he's shifting the blame on you, should you get involved with him.

Cecily

POSTED: Tue, 04/13/2010 - 2:04pm

"He's shifting the blame on you, should you get involved with"

I mentioned this thread to my husband to get a man's point of view. He thought Snorklee hit it on the head with this posting. My husband said that in all likelihood Mr. Fascinoma is looking to "score" but may feel badly about that on some level. Mr. Fascinoma may anticipate a messy breakup, but feels vindicated as long as issued a warning. Like a typical opportunistic male when it comes to female attention and sex, my husband said, "He should go for it!"

Cecily

POSTED: Sat, 04/10/2010 - 9:21pm

Red flag

Quote: "He said we shouldn't get involved because he is too old and serious and I shouldn't deal with the things he's gone through." I would believe him.

carmel

POSTED: Sun, 04/11/2010 - 7:54am

Yes, I know that's the wise

Yes, I know that's the wise decision. But I literally never have felt this way. I don't want to wonder what could have happened.

Cecily

POSTED: Sun, 04/11/2010 - 3:06pm

Aura of mystery...

...acts like a vacuum to be filled. When we are attracted to someone, and there's an aura of mystery, we tend to fill those gaps in our knowledge with projected ideals from within us. This can create a potent love object, which is partly real, but partly constructed from parts of our most romantic psyches. I know I'm probably being as plain as mud, but I've experienced this euphoria with men who are very good at playing this role. I have lived long enough to know when men warn you off from becoming involved with them, that it can sound alluring and self-sacrificing, which triggers our generous natures, but that their warnings are usually well advised. I would say to throw yourself into something your own: plan an elaborate vacation, write a memoir, or tackle a home improvement project...something, just to get a little distance for a while.

JSB

POSTED: Mon, 04/12/2010 - 9:46pm

So Right!!!

Oh please listen to this wisdom from Cecily.If a man tells you he's not "good enough"for you or some such variation ,he is right.Jean

Elizabeth G

POSTED: Sun, 04/11/2010 - 12:44am

Try to listen...

to what he actually said.... He was not lying. He said you shouldn't get involved. That's what he thinks, that's what he means. Of course he's physically attracted and possibly hopes for a dalliance. But HE IS TELLING YOU he's not the man for you. It's in your very, very best interest to listen to him and believe his words. I'm sorry for the pain this causes -- we've all been there! Trust me, thinking you're good for him isn't the reality.

JSB

POSTED: Mon, 04/12/2010 - 9:51pm

So Right #2!!!

Oh please listen to this wisdom from Elizabeth.We all realize that this is incredibly seductive and a challenge and we have all been there.Maybe you just HAVE to go there.If you do,keep some of yourself secret,maintain your identity.We are here for you,whatever you decide.

carmel

POSTED: Sun, 04/11/2010 - 7:59am

I know. You all are very

I know. You all are very wise. That is the smart thing to do .... how do you know when to be logical and avoid things, or when to just live it and deal with the consequences?

snorklee

POSTED: Sun, 04/11/2010 - 8:21am

Trust your instincts...

They will never let you down if you give them a voice. Your instinct is telling you to proceed with caution, and to weigh this situation very carefully before plunging in. Even though you are usually spontaneous and curious and all those lovely things that make you, you... something in your gut is telling you this is a danger zone. Listen to your gut. It's never wrong.

Wisdom is gathered through trial and error and by mistakes made. I got mine the hard way. :)

Bon chance,
Deb

JSB

POSTED: Mon, 04/12/2010 - 9:52pm

So Right#3!!

What can I say?Just so very wise.

carmel

POSTED: Sun, 04/11/2010 - 7:08pm

You all are so wonderful.

You all are so wonderful. Thank you. I guess I would love to know if anyone has ever thought that an experience was worth an inevitable heartache. I know it likely will end with me in tears but he's like no one I've ever met -- he's done things I barely can contemplate. Could the experience be worth it? Or am I just trying to talk myself into something objectively stupid? Again, your advice is so valuable. I suppose I'll never really know which would be the bigger regret. Such is life.

Cecily

POSTED: Sun, 04/11/2010 - 10:09pm

Inevitable heartache

The Saying: 'TIS BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST, THAN NEVER TO HAVE LOVED AT ALL. Who said It: Alfred, Lord Tennyson When: 1850 The Story behind It: These lines are a part of In Memoriam, which Tennyson wrote after the death of his beloved friend Arthur Hallam. Tennyson had met Hallam in 1829, when they were both students at Trinity College, Cambridge. Hallam's sudden death in 1833 threw Tennyson into a tormented and near-suicidal state. In Memoriam was not published until 1850, the same year that Tennyson was chosen poet laureate of England. Samuel Butler paraphrased the saying in The Way of All Flesh (1903): " 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all." I think many people think of Tennyson's well-known quote when they are contemplating a romance which looks doomed from the onset. But notice that the history behind the quote refers to the risk of emotional attachment in light of our mortal natures. Since you asked whether anyone has ever thought that an experience was worth an inevitable heartache. I do, but generally when noble motives inform it. Examples from my past: A man going through with the wedding to my friend with newly diagnosed multiple sclerosis. A neighbor finding out that the 12 year-old stray dog she is adopting has a tumor which means the dog has only months to live, but my neighbor adopts her anyway. Heartbreaks to be sure, but something noble in each one. Also, when you say "...he's like no one I've ever met--he's done things I barely can contemplate." What do you mean by this? Do you think he has lessons to teach you? Do they appeal to your noble self?

carmel

POSTED: Mon, 04/12/2010 - 3:02am

Well, I can't go into too

Well, I can't go into too much detail because he is kind of a public figure, but he has had an amazing professional life and has had experiences I cannot even imagine going through. He has traveled extensively, he has been in life threatening situations, he has watched people be killed, he has been publicly betrayed in one of his high profile jobs,which led to him resigning and taking a break, which is why he is in my city, instead of where he usually lives, in much bigger places. I was starting to despair that I could meet anyone here and then he showed up -- I feel like I've been dropped into the middle of the ocean. I can't sleep. I can't even eat. I feel like he could open up my world and my mind -- I could listen to him talk for days. But he thinks it would be a burden on me. I think I could help lighten him up, though, if he would let me. I just don't even know how to play the game with someone like this -- usually I feel completely in control of relationships -- I know they will call, etc. Anything and nothing could happen here and I feel like there's nothing I can do about it.

Marilyn

POSTED: Mon, 04/12/2010 - 11:28am

Listen

As the others have said, and I know it is difficult, listen to him. Be friendly but take some steps backwards. He knows who and what he is. Don't play games with this as you may get very hurt.

MrsHonniB

POSTED: Mon, 04/12/2010 - 2:36am

Time

And sometimes we fall for the wrong guy confusing love with lust.......so why not give yourself some time to decide what to do?? See how you feel about it in a month from now? If it's the real thing and you really want this relationship you'll feel the same about it in a month,you can make your decision. But untill then trye to focus on your own life and keep a little busy. I know it feels you've to know what to do right about now but sometimes time is a good advicer. I fell in love with someone behind bars,I decide to keep it on a friendship level for 6 months to find out what to do with these feelings. We're together for 4 1/2 years now and it was a good decision for me, but I'm glad I took that time to step back and realise what I was getting into,so I could choose with my heart,head ánd body, in stead of rushing into something and maybe regret it later-on.

annamey

POSTED: Tue, 05/11/2010 - 2:53pm

Having been there...

being absolutely infatuated with someone who is emotionally unattainable, I have just a few things to say.
    1)Don't lose yourself. Don't drop every other aspect of your life in the hopes of attracting more than he is willing to give. When everything falls apart as it usually does, you will need your friends more than ever, so don't drop them.
      2) Make sure that you aren't trying to gain life experience vicariously through his past. That, my dear, would be using him, and I'm definitely sure that is the last thing he wants or needs.
        3) And this is definitely needed -- conduct an inventory of what you would get from him, not just what you can do for him. You need to make sure that you are getting at least an even share of any benefits in a relationship. This is not a time to deceive yourself in the least. In conducting the inventory, you must be RUTHLESSLY honest with yourself.


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