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alice_mae
POSTED: Mon, 03/22/2010 - 6:21am
I have Food Bi-Polar
Hello, let me start with a small introduction. My name is Alice, I'm 18 and I live in sydney. I have a wonderful family, enough friends (although I often prefer my own company), and am blessed with a smart head on my shoulders that has people describing me as 'beyond her years'. While I don't believe my life (nor anyone's) is perfect, I am incredibly grateful for it. What I feel is preventing my happiness, or even peace-of-mind, is my destructive and volatile attitude towards food. I say 'Bi-Polar', not to be insensitive towards those suffering from mental illness (I am a psychology major, after all), but in an attempt to explain my extreme behaviour. By day, I project an image of health. I eat a wholesome breakfast, morning tea and lunch, involving fruit, wholegrains, lean meats, greens. I discuss the pleasures of fine eating with my friends who appreciate food like I do. I love to cook and think of it as a creative outlet, and I practise sensible portions. I do everything right, only to tear it all down with the setting of the sun. I binge. Every night. My parents prepare dinner (unless I am out), which I find unsatisfying, and this (or something else) triggers a downward spiral. I don't blame them - after 20 years of family cooking, I can understand why they opt for easy, cheap, (but always healthy) meals over culinary masterpieces that blend expensive ingredients and require hours of work. The 'meat and three veg' formula hasn't contented my in a long time, and I'll always follow dinner with some cheap tub ice-cream (despite my earlier intentions not to). At this stage, I feel physically full, but my brain is buzzing for more. I open, scoop, ingest more, and then, disgusted in how quickly I can stuff myself with enough calories to count as a meal, I continue. It's a crippling paradox - the fuller I become, the more I want to eat. I'll move to salty crackers, snacks pumped with additives, graze on leftovers... To be honest, this part of my night is often a blur. I don't even enjoy eating these things, and I certainly don't enjoy the guilt and self-defeat that follows. I go to sleep, rise bloated, vow 'never again', and repeat above process. I feel like an addict. While I am not overweight, I can feel my clothes tightening and my features rounding. It is gutting to have noticed my delicate wrists have become slightly, but visibly, pudgier. And painful to know that I've brought this upon myself. I've read the book, I love the french appreciation for food, and I follow that philosophy by day. I need to fix this, I hate myself for it, I've tried to stop but I honestly have a problem. And I can't solve it alone. AliceMIREILLE'S CALENDAR
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Bree
POSTED: Wed, 10/12/2011 - 7:58pm
no diet food or cutting corners
Hi Alice, Nice to know there is another Aussie on here! Thanks for sharing your story and journey with food and eating.I think most people can say they have been there with food or had an experience with binge eating etc. Dont beat yourself up to much about it (easier said then done i know!), but i think most people do it so no need to be to hard on yourself. What i also found helped me was i completely went off anything low fat, low sugar etc and followed the delicious recipe's of Mireilles which used thigs like full fat cheese (oh my god, i had not eaten full fat anything for soo long), pasta and chocolate. By the end of the day i feel pretty good, not everyday, but most days i dont feel the need to binge because i havent deprived myself. I also realised i would binge if my portions were not big enough, which sometimes they just weren't. So make sure you stick to a good portion size (not to much but be careful not to go the other way, which i did a few times). I also have not tried the leek soup detox because i know that would not be enough for me to live on leek soup for 3 days without binging (and also im pretty sure i would not find it particularly pleasurable either). It has been a hard adjustment for me to go off diet food, sometimes the guilt of eating full fat yogurt catches up with me so i dont eat as much and voila i binge eat. It's all good though because i know i can get back on track tomorrow. Goodluck Alice hope this helps! Breealice_mae
POSTED: Tue, 04/13/2010 - 6:24am
Confronting experience...
Hi all. Let me tell you about my strange experience today... But first, some context. I study psychology at university, and as part of our mark, first year students must participate in the research projects of the honours students. The one I was signed up to focussed on eating disorders (in particular, the metacognition between anorexic and non-anorexic women). I had to to stare at myself in a mirror (fully-clothed) for three minutes, then complete 30 minutes worth of questions about my self-image, my body, my thinking and attitude towards food, etc. Let me tell you, this was emotionally exhausting. It made me realise with shock my obsession with food and weight. I saw how I am fixated on food almost every minute of the day, and how I am constantly worrying about my calorific intake. And what's more, I realised how different I am to most people. There were questions like, 'Are you able to eat an unhealthy dessert without feelings of guilt?', to which I instinctively thought, 'How could anyone?!' This totally defies the french attitude (something which, until today, I thought I was good at). At the end of it, I told the researcher (a lovely woman) that I don't think I should be in the control group, as my relationship with food is anything but normal. I was holding back tears as I explained how often I binged, and she gave me a website to look at, as well as her email as she works in the field of eating disorders. She explained that people with a healthy BMI often don't follow up their distressing food habits and thoughts because they don't realise how damaging it is, if not physically (without being under- or over-weight), then psychologically. As I left she asked if I was ok, and I told her I was fine, but once I left the study I burst into tears. It was a very confronting experience indeed. But I am glad I had it - I feel like a little more light has been cast on some of my dark and frightening thoughts. Just thought I'd share that with you all.Vintage1944
POSTED: Thu, 04/15/2010 - 6:12pm
You are very brave
Thank you for sharing this.You deeply touched my heart,with your honesty and courage.Please,avail yourself of the support offered.You can win this battle.I am and everyone else here is backing you.JeanPatty Franchini
POSTED: Thu, 04/01/2010 - 7:46pm
heey
heey i commented you back in my post 'chubby ballerina', wont repeat it here but you should check it out!Xalice_mae
POSTED: Wed, 03/24/2010 - 4:27am
Thanks :)
Deb, Jean, Marylin and Jas: Thankyou so much for your support and insight - it really means alot to me. I felt alot of shame before I wrote out my story, and I'm certain it wasn't helping. Now, however, I'm confident to share because I know there's understanding here. I love how we are looking at this issue from many sides, and I think both interpretations are correct. It's likely that I'm depriving myself of nutrients throughout the day, which leaves my body no choice but to binge to recieve them. But of course, it can't be objectively dimished to simply this alone - I have suffered anxiety for most of my teenage years and used to struggle immensely with my self-esteem, and the binging is perhaps a manifestation of these things. I going to actively increase the amount of vegetables I eat each day - my goal is the australian health standard of '2 fruit and 5 veg' (I previously ate around 1-2 fruit, and 1-3 vegies per day). Psychologically, the notion of eating more is much easier to follow than omitting anything from my diet (even though a follow-on effect will be a smaller appetite for other foods, particularly at night). As for the emotional causes, I need to really delve into myself, and not be stopped by fear of what I might find. This is scary, but it's necessary. I am proud to say that I've grown alot in the last year or so with my acceptance of self, but there's still much more to reflect on. Once again, thankyou. I'll keep you updated on my journey. AliceAva
POSTED: Mon, 08/09/2010 - 4:40am
Good luck on your journey
and well done on getting to where you are today. It is a brave thing to confront your demons. It sounds as though you are on a healthy route to beating them to a pulp :-)Keep up the fruit and veggies (not only are they so very good for you; they taste utterly delicious too!) and keep up the good work.
alice_mae
POSTED: Fri, 08/06/2010 - 8:48pm
It's been a while...
Sorry it's taken me so long to keep you all updated. Alot has happened on my journey with these issues, but it's only been recent that I've felt any sincere improvement. About 2 months ago, I sought help at a clinic within my uni (note this is different to the councellors they have for stress, etc. It is where the psychologists-in-training are assessed with real patients. It's where I see myself in 4 or 5 years time). In these weekly sessions we've explored background factors that have ingrained a certain way of thinking, such as my mum's constant dieting, her heart attack (that she had at peak fitness, after losing weight! c'est la vie!), my background in ballet associating thinness with success, as well as the media pressure that we're all exposed to. These factors have lead to warped thoughts and feelings that I'm beginning to challenge. (Google CBT if this psychological stuff fascinates you like it does me). Although I knew Mireille's philosophy in theory before, now I'm working towards (successfully) putting it into practice. Of course I had tried in the past, but it was difficult (if not impossible) to embrace the pleasures food when I believed, at a core, almost unconscious level, that it would literally kill me if I ate 'bad food'... and punish myself with immense self-loathing, self-sabotage and binging if I did. Along with all this exploration, I've employed practical measures to keep myself balanced. I stash a punnet of strawberries out the back at my work (in a cinema candybar!) to snack on, instead of lollies. I allow myself a small supper of soup/vegies after late shifts or nights studying. A tiny dark chocolate with tea gives me something to look forward to, instead of dreading night times that had become an internal battle of 'if I don't eat, I'll be hungry, and I'll lose control, and I'll binge, but if I do eat, I've blown it, and I'll lose control, and I'll binge' (imagine that on repeat at high frequency. A small insight into my brain.) I'm always so wordy with my posts, but I'll finish here saying that while I'm not completely at peace yet, I'm well on my way.snorklee
POSTED: Sun, 08/08/2010 - 2:51pm
So good to see you here.
Hi Alice Mae, I'm so glad you are doing well. You are wise beyond your years and have accomplished major life changes at such a young age. I wish you well on your journey.debMarilyn
POSTED: Sun, 08/08/2010 - 1:23pm
WOW
You are doing so well. An inspiration to us all. Well done.mcormier
POSTED: Sat, 08/07/2010 - 7:18pm
WOW!!!!!!!!
You are amazing!!!!!!! and inspirational!!!!!!! Thank you for your honesty , how brave you are! MichelleNya_Nya
POSTED: Sat, 08/07/2010 - 12:23pm
Well done!
I'm impressed with your progress. You've achieved a lot in such a short time, because resetting our rains takes a very, very long time. It's not easy to be a young woman today in regards to body image. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!Vintage1944
POSTED: Sat, 08/07/2010 - 10:30am
Welcome Back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are a young woman of courage to face this as you have.Very well done.CBT is a really helpful approach to therapy.It is real and doable.Not to say that it isn't hard work,as it is.It takes strenght to challenge years of unhealthy thinking.You are in my thoughts and lots of healing energy is coming your way.Hope to hear from you soon.OXO JeanVintage1944
POSTED: Wed, 03/24/2010 - 10:20am
Dear Alice
There is nothing in yourself that you cannot know or need to fear.Feel comforted that in your exploration of self,although quite painful at times,will lead to positives.You are smart and insightful,that is evident.You have the will and skills to accomplish much.As Deb said bringing feelings out and actually feeling them ,makes it all more manageable.It is only human to feel sad,mad,glad etc.It is how one deals with the emotions that counts.So yes please keep us posted on your journey.You have already faced with great courage,the feeling of shame.It can be painful and emotionally crippling,but YOU DID IT!Be well.Jeansnorklee
POSTED: Wed, 03/24/2010 - 7:58am
You will do it.
Hi Alice,Like Jas and Jean said, nourish yourself with good quality food, and also nourish your soul. Take care of yourself like the precious jewel that you are. We humans are a wonderful/awful mix of emotions... the good, bad and ugly... and that's what makes us human.
Sometimes kids are brought up with the notion that anger and sadness are not acceptable and that they have to be happy all the time.
Finally giving emotions a voice and acknowledging that they exist, makes them smaller and more manageable. It's okay to say to the world, "You know what? I'm sad today." or "I'm really angry right now." When you feel them, they will pass and you'll be able to move through them.
It is scary at first, but you've already done a tremendous amount of work, just by talking about it.
Please let us know how you are doing.
Deb
jas
POSTED: Wed, 03/24/2010 - 5:55pm
And
Yes, you aren't alone with it here...lots of us have similar experiences. I try to eat 10-12 servings of veggies a day. I also notice my need to drink...alot and when I'm doing these things my whole psychology is different. Time to go drink a green drink. Love Jasalice_mae
POSTED: Wed, 03/24/2010 - 4:28am
*Marilyn
sorry :)jas
POSTED: Mon, 03/22/2010 - 6:01pm
A completely different perspective
Hi Alice, I'm going to give a completely different perspective than the wisdom of Deb, Jean and Marilyn (who I love and respect dearly) I too had the same issue, and still sometimes do. So one the question becomes how do we accept what it is without judgement and shame? Then could it be that your body is trying to tell you something, and it is real? You say, "My parents prepare dinner which I find unsatisfying" Note these words, "The dinner is unsatisfying" so is it emotionally unsatisfying or is it physically unsatisfying? That is an important distinction and worth exploration. A counselor can help with emotional exploration, but what if it isn't emotional? What if physically your body needs more nutrients? This is why I binge. It happened today because I was at a workshop and not in control of my lunch meal. What if your body needs the intensity of lots of veggies, and I mean A LOT. Juicing fresh veggies, making creamy soups from veggies, drinking powdered green drinks, these are the things that satisfy my body and therefore I don't binge. they provide heavy duty nutrients. So perhaps this is an area to explore. Feel free to share more of your explorations. You won't be alone here. Jassnorklee
POSTED: Tue, 03/23/2010 - 7:48pm
Although....
A need for more veggies would prompt me to binge on veggies. A need for nutrients is different than compulsive eating. Perhaps I got the wrong message from Alice's post.In my own case, and really we all only have our own perspective to bring to the forum, I was searching for something to fill me emotionally when I was bingeing. Once I faced that fact, my bingeing disappeared.
When I feel like returning to compulsive binging, I ask myself what is really bothering me, and I address the emotions behind the urge to binge. But that took a lot of work to get to that point.
But sharing our differing viewpoints is what this forum is all about.
Respectfully,
Deb
Patty Franchini
POSTED: Thu, 04/01/2010 - 7:56pm
heey
wow i reeeaaally didnt think any one else even knew what it was i was experiencing! its so releiving to hear you speak about compulsive eating in such a calm way. does it actually work if you just sit down and think about why you are craving to binge eat? what if i cant think of any reasons!XVintage1944
POSTED: Tue, 03/23/2010 - 9:24pm
Deb
What you say is right.For me the physical/emotional causes are intertwined.It is the chicken/egg scenario,butI feel I must look at the physical issue to see if that will help me,solve the issue.I do sit with my feelings and it does help but it is not the complete answer for me.I am loving this divergence of opinion.This is a great topic.Jean
Marilyn
POSTED: Tue, 03/23/2010 - 12:01pm
A good point Jas
I had not thought of that either. When I was going through my fitness freak stage (see post in chubby ballerina) I would come home hungry and hit the chocolate instead of fruit or similar. I got away with it then because of the excercise but I do see what you mean.Vintage1944
POSTED: Tue, 03/23/2010 - 11:27am
Jas
I had never thought it from that point of view.I have always assumed my bingeing was emotional in cause.And it is but partially.I am remembering meals prepared at home and always feeling hungry afterwards.Perhaps,I needed more food...veggies etc.I like your ideas on how to fill up with vegs.It also comes to mind that more food is actually needed when we are stressed,for whatever reason,and it needs to be healthy salads,juices ,soups etc.I returned home from my shift last night and had a small session of overeating...I was tired and worn out from the usual staff conflicts.And I ate hospital food.All knee jerk responses to the stress.My brain shut off and my fight or flight took over.Very interesting concept this is.Need to do more exploring.Merci.jas
POSTED: Tue, 03/23/2010 - 12:45pm
Green
Green seems essential to my calmness with food and lots of green. Jean, I can so relate to what you are saying. I have been in a conference for the past day and a half. The content was great, but sitting in a classroom, cooped up, someones else's schedule is so NOT ME. I binged both yesterday and today. It was a disconnect from eating foods that do satisfy me and from my own emotional needs. So its over and now gratefully I'm back to my green drinks, and a wonderful green soup tonight.Marilyn
POSTED: Mon, 03/22/2010 - 5:14pm
Dear Alice
Welcome to the forum. I am sure you will find support here. I can only advise that you listen to Jean and Deborah as they are both very wise on this subject. Take care of yourself and use this site as a sounding board. You are not alone.Vintage1944
POSTED: Mon, 03/22/2010 - 12:22pm
Welcome Alice
I can only agree with what Deb said.It is also something I share with both of you.At my advanced age I am still learning to deal with the feelings,beneath binge and must say when I do that, things are much,much easier to manage.I have had therapy,which was very helpful and the support here is amazing.We are of all ages,from all over the world and are working toward similar goals.So do get help and take care of yourself.Jeansnorklee
POSTED: Mon, 03/22/2010 - 8:46am
Bingeing...
Hi Alice,Reading your post brought me back to the time when I used to binge every night. It started at around your age, and continued into my forties. With a lot of work and help from a therapist, I discovered that I was eating in an attempt to fill an emotional emptiness rather than a physical one.
Bingeing doesn't have anything to do with hunger. For me, it helped to anesthetize me so I wouldn't feel loneliness, frustration, anger and sadness. It takes a lot of courage to talk about bingeing, so I commend you for that.
For me, it took some therapy to discover what was at the bottom of my compulsive eating. But all the therapy in the world won't help in the middle of the night when the urge to binge comes on you. I had to learn to sit with the feeling of wanting to binge, and I had to learn to listen to what was the driving force behind it. If you sit and wait, and don't binge, you will discover some powerful feelings that come up. This can be a little scary, but it helps to journal through it. Let the anger, and sadness, and all the other feelings come, and fully feel them, write about them, do something physical, like go for a run, or punch a pillow. When the feelings are acknowledged and you give them a voice, the bingeing will become less and less.
I do recommend seeing a counselor while you get in touch with your feelings, because it can be overwhelming at first. But once the feelings that have been suppressed finally have a voice, they become much less powerful, and you'll be able to move on and break free of the bingeing pattern.
My thoughts are with you, and I know that you can move past the bingeing and experience your life to the fullest. Admitting the bingeing is the first step and the biggest one, and you've already accomplished it. If you ever need to talk, I am here.
Deb